Dont Call Me Dorta, Zuoz Tour 2005.
As expected the MCC Tour of Zuoz never fails to impress, impressive failures littered the weekend both on and off the field.
The weekend started well, all players meeting at the agreed time, Sobek without passport and Greg with his ‘fun-size’ new car. The team Tranny was abandoned this year, MCC sealing a tour sponsorship with various Bavarian based companies. The convoy headed south, rally driver weatherall setting the early pace, Sailing prefering to canter down, taking several spitoon & Zipfer stops. Checkin was painless, the Hostel strategically situated in the middle of St Moritz ghetto avoiding possible conflicts with local gold hoarding yodelers. A quick hostel meal pulled the team together, bob enjoying the advertised vegetarian option of plain pasta, washing it down with some fine wind-inducing swiz beer.
So what did the famous party town of St Moritz have to offer the thirsty wolfers ?
A short stroll to the center revealed a ghost town, tumbleweed rolled past, heads started to drop, team morale quickly fading at the prospect of a ‘quiet one’. Then we found Bobbys. The local youth club, average age being close to Sembis run total. Perfect. Kiwi and Sobek soon dug in failing miserably with the Brazilian hooker and her grenade sidekick. Doug turned up, allegedly p1ssed, followd by Dan&Nichols who’d sampled the delights of Pizza a la Frozen (which seemed to induce Nichols’grumpyness/ragweek). For the next 4 hours beer flowed, tactics/bollx talked about and the quiz machine got abusively raped by the BDM. Be Nice. But we couldn’t. So we moved on. Splinter groups formed, half the team headed for unconsciousness, the rest went to bed. Various attempts were made, Sobek with a stumpy dwarf like creature, Ryan, the winner, was so keen to meet his embryos parents, left early. Vandalism followed with kiwi installing a new cable system through St Moritz High Street. Enough.Next day.
1st game saw us pitted against the might of Zuoz school, Georgie Porgie leading a young side against an ageing & faced MCC . What happened in the next hour was sh1t. utter toilet.Doug(10),Gale(24) and Holmes(15) put up some batting resistance but generally it was crap. A pitiful 95 was the total. Not defendable, not even close. A good start by Gale and Dan with the ball eventually drifted into the unavoidable defeat, a comfortable 7 wicket victory by the fudge packers. bitter. A 2 hour gap to regroup, dig into the cheap BBQ and sink a couple of beers – to take the edge off things.
Results in other games handed us a tie against Wintertur. Batting first MCC put in a much better performance, solid starts from Luke and Doug (31 – allegedly his first ever six), followed by brutal hitting by BDanM (44), BDM Gale (47) and wannaBDM Kiwi (42) gave MCC a reasonable 205. A Much better effort, although sembi recorded his first Zuoz-career pair sparking retirement rumours and sympathy from Ryan. Again MCC bowling effort started very well, Dan finding the spot immediately putting us firmly in the driving seat, wintertur needing 9 an over. The thought of winning clearly scared MCC, catches were dropped, balls disappeared into the Swiss alps and despite a good but very unlucky spell by Kiwi, we lost. didn’t win.Came 2nd. Again. So, first day, 2 games, two losses, consistency obviously the key in these tournaments, sembi highlighting this. Sorrows were heavily drowned with pizza, beers and vodka red bulls before rigamortis set in and those remaining retired reluctantly to the comfort of icy lakes and naked swims at 4.28am. Rumours of a sleeping cat amongst the hostel band was soon stamped out as nichols continued his grumpy streak. BDM & Tripod were spotted in the forest night – r@ping.
Morning came and the hypercondriact captain was clearly shaken, complaining this time of angina, palpitations and rigamortis of the left testicle. It wasn’t pretty. The final game of the tournament MCC played Gamesmaster X1 (Old Boys), a strange group of players balanced by their main man, the tripod, last seen in Killians räping small children. Yet again MCC batted first, Greg (34) and Nichols (54) opening, basically going off from ball one. Nichols hitting 14 off the first over on the way to a maiden club 50 in possibly his last tour.? Both openers departed leaving a great platform to build on. John H, Mark H, Sembi and Knut all contributed to the score, just. Knut smashing his 100th run for the club on John H’s 100th game for the club, it was a special moment unfortunately missed by the Chairman Des, who had eastern priorities.legend. USA import Sailing batted sensibly, for once playing himself in and hitting 9 valuable runs including a great line drive which split the defence perfectly for 4 home runs. Sailings innings was tarnished a little by his use of baseballs sacrifice play, Mark being the sacrificial bearded lamb in this case. It was a cruel twist to a nice bloke, selfish gene prevails and Sailing was heard whispering “survival of the fittest” as he continued. Word. Fireworks started when big Dan came in hitting 44 in rapid style (4s for skirts) and continued with Bob and Kiwi (21 – 18 of the last over) giving MCC a 218 total. A great effort.
MCC took the field after any edge was firmly removed with liquid refreshments. The Old Boys were never in it thanks mainly to Sembi and Mark. Sembi taking 5 sticks to add to his 6 runs, Mark taking 2 celebrated sticks and making a great run out with new mate Ryan. The game was ours, a convincing 111 run win by MCC. The dark side of the Old boys was seen towards the end claiming that we werent playing in the spirit of the game by appealing for LBWs. But we moved on…. to the Restaurant for a beer and to watch MIC/CCB/POCC/LUFTHANSA mixed team lose. horribly. That was that. Great weekend despite the potless and notchless nature of it all. bis 2006.
Cricket Summary.
Game 1: Sat 18 June vs Lyceum School
MCC – 95 all out in 21.4 overs (Gale 24, Holmes 15)
Lyceum School – 97/3 off 14.3 overs (Gale: 6 – 0 – 37 – 2, Sear: 3.3 – 0 – 17 – 1)
Lyceum won by 7 wkts
Game 2: Sat 18 June vs Winterthur C.C
MCC – 205/5 off allotted 30 overs (Gale 47, Sear 44, Giles 31, Bostock 42 not out)
Winterthur C.C – 207/2 off 27.2 overs (Sear: 6 – 3 – 30 – 1, Bostock: 6 – 0 – 31 – 1)
Winterthur won by 8 wkts
Game 3: Sun 19 June vs Gamesmaster X1 (Old Boys)
MCC – 218/9 off allotted 30 overs (Nichols 52, Sear 44, Holmes, 34, Bostock 21 not out)
Gamesmaster X1 (Old boys) – 107 all out in 17.3 overs (Appavu: 4.3 – 1 – 21 – 5,
Hamilton, M: 4 – 0 – 36 – 2, Nichols: 6 – 1 – 27 – 1, Sear: 3 – 0 – 21 – 1
MCC won by 111 runs
Played 3, Lost 2, Won 1
Tournament placing: 7th from 8 teams
Capt’s MCC player of the tournament: Dan Sear (consistent with bat and ball in all 3 games)
Captains Profile
Kiwi: Facing an early-mid life crisis at the age of 27, morals and standards take a slide every season. Made a speedy recovery from a sudden bout of “rigor mortis” on Sat night, most probably due to an increased self induced liking for red bull combined with vodka. “Butter fingers” when spreading jam. Found a good cop in Rip Van Sobek, bad cop still prevails. Appears to be able to bowl again, still doesn’t believe he can bat. Out in Game 1 to the “Beijing Express”, aptly named “Pai”. Poor. Following in the steps of Messrs Lovell and Hebel in becoming a (capt) grump in the field. Rumblings brewing. Top dog is always right….woof, woof!
Knut: Without doubt the fittest man in the club after the weekend having sprinting from deep fine leg to deep fine leg every over in 2 games. Trouper. Took over the role as team father in the absence of Des Badley. Still question marks over his choice (brand) of eye protection, jury still out also on hair length. Scored his 100th run for the club in a career spanning more than 20 years. Tour icon, no tour complete without him. Early finish in game 3 denied him entry to the bowling crease.
Rusty Nichols: Seems to have put on weight since the last tour to Zuoz. Resigned to the fact that having turned 30 recently that he is too old to be in a bar. Proud new owner of a certificate from Des, having reached his first 50 for the club. Gave his Capt a lifeline at 3am in the morning when calmly informing him that he in fact doesn’t have “rigor mortis”. Japan bound, seems destined to marry a young Japanese Frau and create a cricketing empire in the far east. Hamburg tour in August will be his last MCC hurray. Wishing him well. Needs a hair cut. Where can I put my glasses? Looks the most relived man ever to take a catch, once in the buckets. Proud wearer, alongside Gale, of his MCC attire on Sat night in a night club.
Sembi: Run drought. Outscored by an American who upto 7 weeks ago had never lifted a cricket bat. Pace or spin? – to be, or not to be.. that is the question. Got the sh*ts with his Capt in Game 2, order restored in Game 3 with 5 sticks. Brutal destroyer of a pizza, why stop at 2? More reliable than an alarm clock.
Moo Gale: Wore the most disgraceful hat in history of bad headgear for all but 16 mins of the entire tour. Waded passed a series of bouncers to proudly show of his cricket whites to all in a swanky St. Moritz club on Sat night. Respect. The famous “moooooooooooo” chant was brought back by popular demand having played an identical set of shots he played 3 years ago on the very same pitch. Forgot to pack his pyjamas. Enjoyed night swimming at 4.28am on Sunday morning. Future. Has a new theory that breaks a 120 year old rule in that one can win cricket matches by actually dropping catches rather than taking them. Dorta revisited…”don’t call me daughter”. Police car around the corner.
Luke: Made it through both nights without falling asleep. Red Bull does in fact do the trick. Failed to impress “Miss UK” on Friday night after numerous attempts, turns out in hindsight Kiwis’ “grenade” was in fact the better option. Joining a worrying list of new club deviants, where 17 as age for a “women” is considered ancient. Tried to cut the Kiwi’s grass on Friday night by hitting on a 22 yr old Brazilian stunner, who gave us a bizarre “spiel” of having a relationship with a 44 yr old guy, who turns out to be her best friends father. Failed to capitalise on the chance to impress the Capt when he opened the innings in Game 2, dragging out a painstaking 5 in 10 overs. Uses his hostel locker to its maximum capabilities.
Dave: Got a rough one in Game 1, triggered by an Italian. FACT. Happier than anyone to see MIC lose the final to Basel. Consistently fails to back up a biggy with a biggy, after indulging wildly on Friday night he failed to make an appearance on Sat night. Still possesses the most rad hair since Gary Glitter.
Doug: 10 interchanges, but finally made it St Moritz. Dark on the Capt for not informing him of our whereabouts on Friday night in time. Smartest shirt worn out on tour since Gary Edwards in L.Jana circa 2002. Solid as a rock in both innings. Never seen on day 2 of the tour.
Dan: Brute of an animal at the batting crease “who let em out of his cage” Hit 6’s at will in Games 2 & 3, no boundary seemed big enough. One could easily miss one of his innings with a blink of an eye. Should he be on the fence or in? – Not happy with his Capt in Game 3. Had a high profile tour on the cricket field, low profile off it. Appears a capable pool player.
Bob: Still prefers the low profile role on tour, back-seat. Takes the prize for still looking the coolest and calmest cricketer on the pitch. “Forgot” his keeping gloves in Game 2. Trivial pursuit master. Jury still out on the beard – only time and women will decide. The deviant can still be brought out in him, just needs some guidance, Mike Smith: are you there?
Hammo, J: Took an eternity, but finally completed a 100 innings for the club. Pushed ahead a few more notches in front of his old rival Desmond Badley with a sprinkling of runs in Game 3. Gave his son a hell of a telling off for not standing his ground when run out in Game 3 – and rightly so! Bigger cricket boots than Joel Garner, used to good effect in the slip, gully or the point region – depending on where he strays to between deliveries. Was knocking them back at the bar like they were going out of fashion on Friday night, no wonder Sat night was pipes and slippers. Planning to slide quietly into retirement, having already retired. Who has any left handed gloves??
Hammo, M: Quicker than Jonty Rhodes in the covers one minute, slower than Robert Key the next. Celebrated like a man possessed when taking his 2nd wkt in Game 3, thin air was in danger of being walloped. Not happy when the Capt gives him an incomplete and/or incorrect batting order, who has a rubber? Probably the most confused batting combination ever in Game 3 with a German and an American at the wkt, little wonder a horrible run out ended their relationship. Was deep down hurt when run out, failed to show the necessary anger. Lucky enough to have some of the most loveliest young things during the weekend help him to “score”, failed to capitalise though.
Ryan: Making great strides and making up for lost time. Hit is first 4 when batting in Game 3. Owes Hammo, M a beer for hanging him dry. Has more technology going on in his car than James Bond.
Never lets a song finish before skipping to the next one. Let a sure thing go on Friday night, where’s your Daddy? Met probably the only friendly girl in St Moritz, timing is the key, take a back seat at the bar. Needs a faster car. Rick: give me a call back! Larry: are you there? Also seems destined for 20 years behind bars for molestation of young beauties (where he will share a cell with Sobek and Kiwi). Still not convinced he is 30, passports please, can you pull over. Did a good job keeping wkt in Game 3, coming on leaps and bounds. Destined to blossom.
Greg: Gives the ball a hell of a twat when he connects. Uses one of the smallest, oldest and thinnest bats seen. Marriage beckons for the young man, should be making the most of his limited “single” days. Proud new owner of BMW, which is blacker than an All Black jumper. Almost got a bowl in Game 3, didn’t, but took it on the chest. Loves taking mountain photos.
Bob Mitchams Player Profile Summary
Hänelt, Knut: Nice man. Maiden century for the MCC. Fielded wie der Weltmeister
all weekend. Viel zu nett für unser Mannschaft. Fakt.
Bostock, Andrew: tragic victim of world’s first recorded case of
phalangic (or was that phallic??) rigor mortis. Whatever it was, may it rest in peace.
Brutal with the bat (understatement of the tournament: ‘I’m seeing them fairly
well today, Bob’) and comeback kid with the ball. Team man who’s not afraid to take a
grenade for the up-and-‘comers’. Redbull induced nerve damage left him with
toast-buttering dilemma. Celebrates his 27th birthday on Wednesday.
Nichols, Alex: Blasted first 50 for the MCC.
Boisterous: almost missed the final day’s play after being arrested for maliciously
waking a swiss police rabbit with a pool ball in its mouth.
Appavu, Sembian: excellent 5-wicket haul off the long run.
Chainsaw. Wakeup call. More pizzas than runs.
Gale, Alex: Tiger. Amusing hat. Enjoys waiting until a batsman’s back is
turned and then throwing the ball at him really hard. Patrols the dark swiss
forrests in the night, ably assisted by….
BDM: outstanding knowlege of pub trivia.
the bat that loves it. almost as much as…
Tripod, Leroy: Handy third leg for umpiring comfort. Lasso. Doesnt need a belt.
Sobek, Luke: Enjoys moderate success tag-teaming 17-year-olds with the captain.
Has trouble securing an audiance with Gale at times of disapointment,
however. Crap at table soccer. Makes up for it in pool.
Weatherall, Dave: Bowled well, should have come away with a stumping
but for village fumblage. Newest fan of rapper 50 Cent,
who he discovered over a can of Newcastle Brown.
Will soon be starting own music career together with DJ Des Baddly under the
name of 2 shillings and fourpence.
Giles, Douglas: Backbone of the MCC batting line up in the first two games.
Big six in game 2. Too classy for hostel. Enjoys watching people go into
clubs.
Sear, Daniel: Large. Thinks fours are for skirts. Another MCC man who lets
BDM do the talking. Can bowl a bit, too. Quite good at pool. Shadow, takes
hangovers well, likes staying in on Saturday nights pining over spanish woman.
Saling, Ryan: Highest score in an innings for MCC so far.
Put the regular wicketkeeper to shame after donning the gloves for match 3.
As always, came closest to success in the trouser department
(until her old man turned up to take her home for a glass of warm milk and a story).
Holmes, Greg: Boys with new BMW toys. Cranks up the Chemical Brothers as
he drives past old ladies to see if the sonic boom will make them fall over.
Brute of a man with a large bat that he is not afraid to use. For cricket.
Hamilton, John: 100th innings for the club in game three.
Like some sort of wild animal in the gully. The kind that likes jumping
on cricket balls. Rowr. Solid all-Round performance.
Hamilton, Mark: Two wickets and a brilliant runout in the final game.
Promising innings with the bat cut short due to his being the nicest man in the entire world.
Beard makes him look dashing (just one of the reasons he attracts so many foxy female scoring partners).
Mitcham, Ian: Piked early both nights for no return:
couldn’t catch chlamydia in Thailand.
Sorry, echt. Enjoys telling a batsman who it was that threw the ball at him really
hard when his back was turned. Beard succeeds only in making him look like a pervert.
Is a pervert.
We didn’t win.
Combined MIC/CCB team didn’t win either.
Fertig. Aus. Shabash.
